Some New Year Waffling

Here we are in 2022 then. I have no idea what the year will hold, I hope it’s a good one though with plenty of opportunities to embrace the joy.

Personally, 2021 was a bit of a rollercoaster ride, and if you’d told me in January last year how I would be feeling in January this year I doubt I’d have believed you. Or rather I doubt the rampant self-loathing I was going through would have allowed me to believe you. (The sad fact is that back then I’d have probably punished myself for even thinking that I’d ever feel the way I do now.)

And yet here I am, doing okay, despite my own best efforts to thwart that happening.

The latter half of 2021 has been a revelation. Towards the end of May, my friendship with Stuart blossomed into something else as we both finally got over our various anxieties and realised we were actually a couple. I learnt that I was allowed to be happy and went from hating myself every day to thinking that I was probably sort of okay.

It was only in the last couple of weeks I realised that what I am now feeling is a kind of peace that I hadn’t had for years. Sure, the anxiety still exists, I still overthink things far too much and the spectre of not being good enough hovers just at the edge of my peripheral vision, but there is finally a level of peace and contentment that allows my soul to rest for a bit every now and again.

I feel like I’ve come a long way, it’s not been the easiest of paths and it’s been the worst of times but here I am and I’m finally doing okay. There are still bad days, but they pass without turning into bad weeks or bad months. I haven’t lashed out at myself (or any walls) for quite some time and I feel a sense of well-being that is slowly feeling less and less alien to me.

I’m starting the New Year with a continuing cautious optimism and the hope that the world can get better because without that hope I’ll be right back where I was before, and I never want to be that person again.

This got a bit deeper than intended, sorry about that. I’m certain I’ll come up with a few more light-hearted posts in the coming weeks.

Author: A-M